My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
2022 will be better than 2021
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Good dog. ❤️
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.