Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.