Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
when revenge coincides with naptime
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Storm Tropical Storm
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
cry laughing at this shit