Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin