The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair