If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I’m giving up ice.
#SCOTUS one-star review
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her