I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?