It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
You Might Also Like
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
SCARY COSTUME
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I like my jims slim and my chances fat