If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*