add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Just parrot things
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.