me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
*limbos away from your hug*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs