Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap