Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will