I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
This could’ve been an email.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
You have been warned.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.