[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
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I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.