I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.