You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Ken is short for chicken
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
get you a girl who
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.