Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.