The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Oh hi lol
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
cat faces on other animals, a thread