An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
huge if true: the moon
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing