Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
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Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.