I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend