If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives