Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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real
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.