Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
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An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”