Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
You Might Also Like
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience