Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”