me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.