I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Every work call, he judges.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house