Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Shower sex be like:
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.