I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back