No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
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“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.