*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
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what are they serving at kfc then???
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?