when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
You Might Also Like
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”