*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.