[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Everyone’s family
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
…..pretty much.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”