putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning