In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
my first dose meeting my second
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.