The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
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[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.