.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
You Might Also Like
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
What even happened today?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.