Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons