The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*