Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
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Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.