“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
You Might Also Like
mumsnet is amazing
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Why font matters.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.