When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I’m not stressed
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.