Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
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9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Love this guy
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.