JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
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Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Based Erika
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension