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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Everyone’s family
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women