The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I’m already scared
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??