A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
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To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face